I sent my boyfriend a few articles to read several nights ago. I got them from an adult blogger’s page. I found two entries she had written that were on topics that interested me. I copied their text and emailed them to my boyfriend, telling him to look into these things.
One was on “mindfucking” and the other was on erotic asphyxiation.
Since then, he’s left me several notes of a sexual nature on my vanity where I’d find them. While they aren’t turning me on, I find the effort sweet and worth rewarding.
He emailed me while I was at work tonight and told me he hasn’t found anything on the internet that describes the appropriate and safest way to choke someone. I’ve experienced it with lovers in the past but I’m not about to call one of them up and say “Hey, remember how you used to choke me? Yeah, so, how did you do it? I want my boyfriend to do it, too.” Awkward much?
I asked him to be more dominant but I feel my dominant side taking over. The last few sexual experiences we had, I found myself ordering him around, telling him what he was going to do before he did it. He seems to enjoy it seeing as how he is a submissive by nature and I a dominant. I don’t want to be his master…err…mistress. I don’t want to completely control him. But in the attempt to be submissive to him, I still have to tell him to dominate me. Maybe I got the fantasy all wrong. Maybe being the top is what is going to get me off.
I chatted with Ryan for a little bit tonight. He just got back from a three day get-away and I think the space between us was a good thing. It gave me time to cool off and stop being such a maniac over my libido. It gave him time to not be worried about the social issues I was beginning to cause and it gave the social issues time to fade away. He mentioned a few things to me (jokingly, maybe?) about ways he’d like to dominate me… and I honestly didn’t find the ideas too appealing. Then again, I didn’t think I’d like being spanked until the first time it happened. I told him I am more into the idea of being out of control in the bedroom than actually being out of control. I like some pain during sex and I like to give up some control, but I don’t like being humiliated or restrained in a way that hinders my ability to communicate. I have a lot of injuries and communication is the key to keeping me from getting really hurt.
I don’t want to be closed-minded. Maybe I should try some new things. Honestly, I just think I’m a little scared. I’ve looked at a lot of images from the BDSM world in the past few weeks and I find a lot of it just plain frightening. Maybe I’m being too vanilla but there is some pretty extreme stuff out there! I am interested in seeing just what kind of toys Ryan has stashed at his place and which ones he would chose for him and me to play with. There’s always the possibility that I will discover a fetish I never knew I had. But I don’t know if there is even still a possibility that he is going to play with me. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.
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