GL and i spent three gloriously fun, intimate, affectionate, passionate, intriguing, arousing days together this past week. when in the presence of his son, we talked, walked, read, ate, shared seemingly mundane but joyous moments as a threesome.
as a twosome, we intertwined our bodies, caressing, kissing, touching, exploring, moving, moaning, entering, pushing. and in between, we shared our thoughts, our aspirations, our past, our present.
i was emotionally exhausted today after GL got up at 4 am to catch the return flight back to SF and back to his gf, his life, to a parallel universe from mine, where we will pick up where we left off, compartmentalizing our transactions, our conversations, our relationship(s). it didn’t hit me until i was talking to AdC that i was emotionally exhausted, sounding incoherent. she asked why i was so tired. i lied of course and said i’ve been run down by the holiday hustle and bustle. but the reality is, after processing it with the few braincells left, i’m exhausted because i’m emotionally spent. the days spent with GL were glorious. i enjoyed them so much so and i feel happy that we had that time/space to be with each other. but i also realized that i was holding my breath in some ways. i didn’t let myself become too deluded by our intimacy, sharing, affections. i didn’t want to sink too deep into this world of couple-hood that is ephemeral and nebulous. and i had to keep in check my feelings every time he mentioned his gf(s). it was such a constant internal, emotional negotiation for me. no wonder i’m so exhausted.
plus, i was processing so much information that he volunteered willingly. and on the one hand, i feel honored that he’s so willing to share and felt he can trust me. on the other hand, i felt so much weight on me…so much information that i wasn’t really able to process and had to wait for his trip to come to an end before i can really process and digest, and understand how all these information shape him. and how these information affected his attitude towards me/us (although i cannot confidently say there’s an “us”). i’m still processing.
i’ll have time to process this in the months to come, before i see him again in march. perhaps by then i’ll have a firmer grasp and deeper insight on how i should proceed with this situation we’re in. i do believe now too, although i have to just put it into practice, not to make any sweeping generalizations or grand decisions/finales based on the limited information i have. i do have to be more prudent and attuned. who’s to say how this will end, good or bad.
p.s. i think i said something about how he’s so american but now cannot remember what i was referring to.
p.p.s. we danced. we sang. we ate well. we got high and we got drunk. at least we have fun with each other.
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