After an amazing day with Holly yesterday, I was all geared up to have an equally amazing night with my roommate Ron Morgan and our friend Sharlene. As usual, Sharlene was going to drive us around in her gold PT Cruiser … and as usual, she was late. This didn’t really cast a shadow on a perfectly good evening, because Ron was on the fence about going out and was still not ready either. After Sharlene and Ron snacked on McDouble’s from McDonald’s, we visited Charlie’s … which, was really “meh” in my opinion.
The very popular gay cowboy bar had a very large female population last night … and there really wasn’t anyone that I knew personally there, which is odd considering many people I know frequent Charlie’s a lot. After one drink for both Sharlene and Ron, we decided to head to Fun Hog Ranch, which is always bustling with activity. No matter what night it is, Ron and I always end up having a great time at the Ranch. When we got there, Ron instantly was having a good time … do to his extreme height (he’s 6′11″), he instantly commands attention. I hadn’t realized shopping with Holly had taken so much out of me and I was instantly tired the moment I sat down at a table. Sharlene seemed tired too … and we spent the majority of our time watching Sober House on VH1 on the plasma flat-screens hanging above the bar.
What I find so comical is that every guy that hits on Ron always does the “how tall are you?” pick-up line … then they marvel at his size and make it so painfully obvious that they want it up the butt. With me, it’s always “what ethnicity are you?” Then, of course, when I say Puerto Rican, Japanese, and Italian … they react the same way they do when Ron tells them his true height: “WOW!”
In any event, behind Ron was another table where a gaggle of homo’s were sitting. The first time they walked by, I noticed the cutest one out of the bunch. Ron picked up on this and pointed at that they were insecure and bitchy because of that insecurity. The cute one, later revealing his name to be Chris, sat at his table, and as I stared past Ron, Chris and I continuously made eye contact. It was cute … and the subtle thing really worked. Sharlene grew hungry and wanted to go to a place called Ricardo’s … which is just typical that my rides are always ready to leave right before I get hit on.
I decided to stay behind as Sharlene offered to come back and get me. Ron left with Sharlene, and soon as I by myself.
But not for long. Chris came over … and introduced himself. With scruffy facial hair and cute brown eyes, I obviously found him attractive. He sat down, we chatted, got to know each other … and he was completely adorable. His friends eventually migrated to my table and I was introduced to each of them … Chuck (who Holly and I had met at a previous Halloween party), April, JJ, and Brandon. Trying to get some alone time with Chris was annoying because his friends never really left the table … and if they did, one would stay behind. As nice as they all were, it made me take note to not do the same to my own friends in the future … to catch a hint and walk away.
Ron and Sharlene eventually returned, shocked that I had this new entourage flooding our table, and they had the decency to let me do my thing. Chris was very touchy-feely, which wasn’t a big issue for me at all … until he started accusing me of having a “thing” for Chuck, someone that I had met previously and was having a conversation with. Instantly, I recognized that this guy was very insecure. Every time he got up from the table, he told me to make sure I kept my hands to myself … and to only pay attention to him.
What … ?
As everyone knows, I’m in the market for a relationship, or to at least seriously date. But, c’mon … this was taking it a little fast, don’t you think? When Sharlene was ready to take us home, Chris offered to drive me so I could stay … I was having a good time until issues flared up and tension enveloped the table as JJ and Brandon – a previously broken up couple from what I gathered – started having an intense conversation. Meanwhile, Chuck was hit on by some guy from … Kentucky? Ohio? I can’t remember … it was one of those two I believe. The guy was … not really my cup of tea; lanky and annoying, with uneven facial hair and the teeth of Austin Powers, I immediately wanted him gone from the table.
Chuck convinced him to show his penis to the table if he was going to sit with us … and Chris got all defensive before I even showed any interest in looking (even though I didn’t and obviously had no interest of knowing what his nether-regions looked like at all … I even shielded my eyes).
After that fiasco, Chuck, Brandon, and JJ (all sweet guys) wanted to go to Terrible’s for breakfast … a common practice for the gays that go out to the club and bar scene in that area. Chris and I hung back and chilled in his car, where an intense make-out session (and other events) took place. He made it clear he wanted sex, to the point where he was very abrasive about it. After a nice breakfast with the guys, Chris held my hand while driving me home … and he made mention of how tired he was. I figured the thought of sex had finally left his mind as I seriously didn’t want to have sex.
On the car ride home, I discovered that Chris’ former partner of four years was the same guy that had interviewed me for the job at the GAP at the Boulevard Mall when I had first move to Las Vegas.
Small-fucking-world.
Once home, a goodnight/morning (it was five in the morning) followed … and he made sure to do what he could to arouse my interest. When I had asked if he wanted my number, he talked about his plans to eventually move to Arizona … and how he wasn’t looking for something serious. He also made mention of dating someone from his past who he had had lunch with earlier the previous day. He wanted sex … and then made the comment:
“If you didn’t want it too, you would’ve left the car by now.”
Going into the house, I experienced the most awful hook-up I had ever experienced in my life. I have had ugly guys … fat guys … guys that I shouldn’t have hooked up with; guys that were clear signs of my mounting desperation. While Chris was attractive, he was overly aggressive … what I tried to keep as some friendly third-base action, turned into Chris trying to make a home-run. I had to literally push him off of me as he tried to mount me so I could get a condom. I wasn’t raped or anything … I wasn’t held down … but I was clearly in a risky situation with someone who wanted to be in control. Maybe it was do to his obvious insecurities … all I knew, in that moment, was that this fucker obviously didn’t know who I was. I told him that me bottoming for him was not going to work because I wasn’t comfortable … he ignored what I said. Because I wasn’t comfortable, he tried harder … which caused me to whimper and for him to respond with:
“Shut your mouth. Shut your fucking mouth.”
Excuse me? At that moment, I seized control of the situation. I became the top and I made him submit to me. I don’t mind a little roughhousing … and I certainly don’t mind dirty talk. But he had crossed a line, and to come into my house and to come into my bed … and to act like he was the one in control? Not acceptable. I had sex with him. I finished. But there was no feeling in it. There was no joy in it. I felt like a machine, and afterwards, when he got all sweet and cuddly, I just sat there, cross-legged, wishing he would get up and just leave like every other hook-up I’ve had. I just wanted him gone.
I love sex. I’ve had some of the most passionate experiences you could possibly imagine … and if the Tommy of 2004 met the Tommy of 2010, well, let’s just say, the old me would be very surprised. The fact of the matter is, I am ready for a relationship … I am long overdue for one … I am long overdue to have someone all to myself, someone that’s not going to leave right after the cloud of euphoria has been lifted, someone who isn’t going to ignore me if I say he’s being too rough, and of course, someone who isn’t insecure … someone who doesn’t feel the need to be overbearing or dominant in an attempt to “screw me into submission.”
While it wasn’t my first hook-up … the fact is, I felt completely and totally cheap afterward. I put my neck out there, and once again … I caught another asshole. It reminded me of why I shied away from commitment … why I purposely sabotaged or shoved away any chance I’ve ever had with any guy. And it makes me scared to stick my neck out there again.
One day, sometime soon hopefully, the pattern needs to break. And until then, I’ll just have to live alone … and like it.
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