so…
i respond to you. i listen to your words. i watch your mouth. i hold your stare. i nod. i smile. you talk. i listen. i focus on you. when you speak i listen. when you open your lips to speak, i watch. i watch your mouth. i hear your voice. i look into your eyes. and i respond to you. i nod, i smile. my body responds to you. open and receptive. no barriers. i listen. i watch. i nod. i smile. i respond to you. i listen to your words. i watch your mouth. i hold your stare. i nod. i smile. you talk. i listen. i focus on you. when you speak i listen. when you open your lips to speak, i watch. i watch your mouth. i hear your voice. i look into your eyes. and i respond to you. i nod, i smile. my body responds to you. open and receptive. no barriers. i listen. i watch. i nod. i smile. i respond to you. i listen to your words. i watch your mouth. i hold your stare. i nod. i smile… i….
… and i breathe in and out… in and out… in and…
you talk. i listen to your words but i do not hear them. the truth is, i don’t care. i want to silence you with a kiss. my mouth on yours. you talk. and the truth of the matter is i hear your voice, soft and low, and i dissolve. i hear you talk but i am so distracted by your mouth. i focus on you. your sex. i focus on you. your voice seems to brush over me. stroke me. your mouth is my focal point. you talk. i watch. i watch your lips move. i watch, intent, for a teasing glimpse of your tongue, darting behind your teeth. i see your mouth. wet. lips moving. i feel the hunger inside me swell. my mouth go dry. thirsty. i feel my lips part. dry, i lick them. focused on your mouth. i am hungry. i watch you. your mouth. i hear you speak, but i want to silence you with a kiss. i want to lock my mouth on yours. i want to bruise your mouth with my dirty intentions.
i watch you speak. you gesticulate. your hands. soft, gentle. long fingers. soft hands. gentle movements. i want to clasp those hands. i want to suck your fingers. i want kiss the palm of your hand. i want to suck your fingers. lick the palm of your hand. i want to hold your hands. i want to place your hands on me. i want your hands on me.
you sit opposite me in this busy place. busy. noisy. we talk. you talk. i am distracted. i try hard to suppress desires and listen. i do, i try. but it is hard. i sit on my hands for fear they stray and do unforgiveable things. things that could ruin this beautiful friendship. although my mind is pretty much annihilating all traces of friendship there is. obliterating that screen that separates friends, preventing them from stepping over into lovers. in my mind that screen is shattered. vaporised. demolished. destroyed. and perhaps irreparable.
but i watch you, and i listen. my eyes watch your face. and i am lost.
lost.
lost in you. lost in my thoughts. distracted. confused. frustrated.
i remain seated on my hands to keep them under control. i bite my bottom lip. all i can see is you. everything else is fading into oblivion. blurred. you are my focus. i focus on your eyes. your hands. your mouth. your hands. your neck. your hands. your lap. your eyes. your hair. your right ear lobe. your fingertips. your tongue. your right knee. your hands. your eyes. your neck. your mouth. your mouth. your mouth. your sex. your mouth. your thighs. your lap. your mouth. your sex. your sex. your sex.
i hear your voice. soft and low. but the words are a jungle. i am lost. i bite my lip. i sit on my hands. i feel hot. i feel. oh i can feel more than i should. more than you know. for a split second i feel guilty – as if i am raping you, with my eyes, my mind. i can feel it. i will come, that is certain. but you talk, and i listen. you seem completely unaware of this swelter. this agonising surge of desire that i am trying so hard to contain. to temper. to tame.
inside, there is a flood. a tsunami. little earthquakes. hurricanes. a famine. a flood. a storm.
i sit on my hands. i flip them over palm sides up and quickly re-trap them… you talk. i listen, but these hands beneath my thighs could be yours. but this is safer. it is safer to imagine, than to risk losing what little we have.
i bite my lip. my mouth is dry. but i am wet.
i watch your mouth as you speak, how you tilt you head and engage with me. i listen. but i don’t hear. all i can see is you – and i watch as… as….
as i lift my skirt and straddle your lap, hold your face in my trembling hands and bruise your mouth with mine. you talk and all i can think about is how good that would feel, to feel handfuls of your hair as i straddle your lap. feel you hard. lick your right ear lobe and bite your neck. to taste you…. how good it would feel to slip my hands beneath your sweater, or unbuckle your jeans. to kiss you hard. to feel your hands on my thighs, pulling me closer to you.
but in reality i remain seated on my hands and feel guilty. my eyes are fixated on you, but i am lost. i haven’t heard a word you have said. all i can see is your mouth – your lips – your tongue. your eyes look right at me, but all i want to do is fuck you. i want to sit on you, not my own hands. you. i want to pin you to that chair and feel you deep inside me, my legs wrapped around you. and to hell with everything else.
but i sit and watch you speak. i am lost. i am just so lost in this jungle. this jungle of words and spaces in between….
i think back and think of missed opportunities. i could have taken you to the beach where i could have thrown you to the ground and…. i could have led you to the ladies toilets where i could have sat you down, straddled you and….. or….. oh fuck. that night. i could have given more in that kiss. you were in your underwear. i could have given so much more. but…. how i wish i just let go. given in to it. i want to but do you know how i feel? do you see it? can you feel it? i want it.
but i remain seated, on my hands, now clammy. my eyes flit quickly all over you. eyes become touch. i touch you in places. places that make me wet. my eyes unbuckle your jeans. my eyes pull your hair, your head back and bite into your neck. my eyes, in desperation, remove your jacket and pull off your sweater. my eyes kiss you, hard. my eyes hold your hands and i grind into your lap. my eyes slide down into the front of your pants, where i can feel you…. hard. i can feel your hands on my ass. i can feel you. i can almost feel you inside me. and i feel those little tremors begin. my eyes continue to rape you as you sit opposite me – talking to me – oblivious to the carnage going on inside.
god how i love you. i want. but i watch.
i watch and listen. it becomes unbearable. i stand up, go to the bar and order another drink. i can’t bear this. we go outside for a cigarette. i can satisfy one oral fixation. but i want to kiss you. i want to do all sorts of things to you, and let you do whatever you want to me. but you don’t see me like that – do you? or do you?
you sit opposite me and talk. and i sit opposite you and hold on with both hands for fear i succumb to these wild desires and years of longing and lose it all, completely.
you are unaware of my agony. my suppressed desires. or do you sense it? i can’t hold this back forever. sometime, somewhere, something is going to give… everytime i see you i want you.
but i remain seated, on my hands – to prevent them from straying. but my eyes are all over you. do you see that? do you sense it? can you feel my eyes sexualising you. can you feel my eyes undress you. touch you. i can feel the heat from your body. i can smell you. i can taste you. i can feel you inside me. twitching. hard. moving slow, deep. deeper. i can taste your spit. i can feel your hands. i lick your neck. my eyes wander. i am swollen, engorged – open, ready… my eyes can see everything. i can see, i can feel it as i fuck you with my eyes.
everything around me is blurry. voices, neighbouring conversations slow down, become noise. noiiiiiiiiiise… people move around us in a motion blur. you, me, suspended animation in my head. you sit opposite me and talk. i sit opposite you and listen but aside us, we fuck. i find myself talking to you, yes… you talk with me, but i am distracted. because, right next to me, i see you and i see me straddling you. out of the corner of my eye, i watch as we fuck. we fuck with such intensity and desire – like we are trying to climb inside each other. but the reality is you remain seated opposite me. i remain seated, on my hands – palms up, clammy. i continue to watch your mouth and sense that my mouth is dry.
i am thirsty.
another drink? yes.
i bite my lip and swallow hard. as the little earthquakes inside subside, and i wonder if you sense any of this chaos… any of the carnal lust and desire soaring inside me… any of the sweltering heat within this jungle… i wonder if you sense i am lost. lost and thirsty.
yes. i respond to you.
yes.
do you know how i feel? yes?
no?
so….
(c) Kat McDonald
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