No longer am I torn between emotions…now I am flooded by them and none of them are good. It is 2:50 in the damn morning and I am up writing in this stupid thing because I can not calm down. I am angry, and insulted, and frustrated, disappointed, let down, and really really hurt. So hurt that I do not even wan to have sex, i’d rather take care of it myself. What does that say about our relationship? when all the perfect words end up meaning nothing because they are not followed up by actions, making them hard to believe. It has been a whole god damn week…not a particularly busy week do there is no excuses to be made…..he just didn’t have sex with me….period. Did he have time for other things, of course he did, but pleasing me did not fit into his schedule. And the fact that he is ok with that hurts the most. He says he understands but no he doesn’t. If he did then this would not happen. Especially off and on for aver a year. He does not understand and obviously I can’t get him to understand so I guess I take care of myself in whatever means necessary. I can’t go sexually unsatisfied for a week just because he feels like it. I have brought it up many times, asked for it, the whole 9 yarsd….and nothing. So to me that implies it is not important enough to him to satisfy me or even try to understand what kind of hell he is putting me through. And you want me to start planning our wedding? With this to look forward to? Why would I do that to myself? If it is this bad now what in the world would make me think it is going to be any better a few years down the road when we have kids (have to have sex to have kids) and he is working….i will be lost in the shuffle even more and never be satisfied. This is actually making me so angry that I even have to worry about something like this at 30 yrs old when I am attractive. I am missing sleep over something I should not have to. I am crying over something I should not have to. And I keep questions why do I keep putting up with it? ALl the promises and the sweet words in the world aren’t going to change what I’m in right now and that is a sexless relationship….one of the deal breakers. The one I never thought i would have to deal with my fiancée. All his excuses are out the window this week….this week is pure choice….and he didn’t made his and destroyed me a little more in the process. I need to just to go to work and get away from all of this , not deal with it for a few hours….but when i return home it will be right here continuing to hurt me and piss me off. I am really trying to calm myself down so i can get some sleep, i am infuriated that he would put me through this again and again and again….and even more infuriated that I go along with it. I am afraid to type anymore for fear of what I might say….but i am crushed that i am losing interest sexually in my own fiancée who i find sexy and love b/c I can’t take anymore disappointment and hits to my self-esteem. I do not see things like everyone else and this has been explained to him many many times and i have tried to do my best to get him to understand. him doing this to me is interpreted as rejection…..I dont ddo well with rejection. I can’t take this constant rejection and my therapist tried to explain it to him…tried to explain that he need to make conscious decisions to make me happy, guess this is the one he made. Either that or all the stuff I have been trying to educate him on about my disorder just went away. Probably shouldnt have wasted the money on the book I bought him to help him deal with living with someone with BPD. I need to buy me a book for living with someone who makes you feel unwanted and ugly and tells you things but doesn’t follow through. Do they have a book like that? See i am getting angry and going to say something bad ao I am going now. God I wish it was time for work.
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