a coined term of mine. stiff (v.) – To deliberately become limp after realization of a non-wanting of agreed sex.
I admit to this being 100% true.
So there I was, on a saturday night drunk in my white room;
with phone in hand. I get a message from an old friend. Very bright
young lady with aspirations to fuck, and i mean fuck. Excuse my language.
We make plans to do so at any given time. So the date was settled,
that on the 25th of June, I was going to partake in sexual actions with
my old time friend. Who will remain nameless. The following days took
as such: Sunday talking about fantastic fantasies while playing them
out countless in my head Monday shared an abundance of mutual
masturbation, with while on the phone together. she finishes before i do.
she’s impressed. i play the humble card and call it a lucky day. Tuesday loss of
immediate contact (crashed at derek’s house for two days) booked
a gig on friday. Wednesday went back home, anticipating one of the
most exciting days of my life Thursday Anxious to see girl. I get picked
up at 5:50 Ready to pick up the girls of my induced nightmares*
but first lets side track..
*the girl of my induced nightmares has a chemical unbalance lodged
in her brain, commonly known as bipolar disorder; this of course
enables her to ’subdue’ with wild mood swings, then switch to a more
calm and serene personality. besides the mentioned unbalance, she
has suffered intense sunburn, after a trip to Newport Beach.
(i capitalize, of course to show my respect for the beach’s true beauty,
unlike my nightmare’s makeup ready features.) her back is doused in red;
much like the ass of a baboon. she is peeling from ear to forehead and
the very contact with human flesh makes her body cringe. on top of that,
due to her natural intelligence, the concept of good grades remains deeply intact.
at the end of the school year, she received a ‘C’ on her report card, which would
mean an imminent punishment that would come in great conflict with our plans.
there she is, pleading to her mom that she’d be allowed to go to her friends house.*
after 2 hours of intense waiting, her mom caved in, such excellent show of parenting..
*in all respect, was a complete act of deceit. remarkably, her parents
never found out about the whole incident.
the plan, in its entirety was to go as follows:
the nightmare gives excuse to parents, telling them that she
would be at a close friend’s house.* (see above asterisk)
she would then wait for me at the riverside plaza,
where we would then go straight to derek’s house and have our way.
now for the good part..
life, cliche as it is, has its twist and turns. but there are always hints of
straightening out here and there. today, unfortunateley was full of twist and turns.
as i leave the optometrist’s office, i think to myself, ‘good, 20-20 vision;
more better (for laughs) to see you with with’ as i wait impatiently to leave
the structured hell hole that is my house, i’m thinking to myself, ‘this cannot be happening.’
my father must be proud. to my knowledge, i know, by fact, that the riverside plaza
is indeed in riverside. given this tid bit of information, i find myself and derek
looking for familiar landmarks and such, to get us on our way,. (our tank WAS on
empty when we stepped in the car. without the help of gas it jumped to a
quarter full tank, something’s turned to shit quick. with resources low, and a
trial and error based trip set, we find ourselves on the i-215. with minutes ado,
we reach the plaza, in chances to reunite with my nightmare once again.
we see her, she looks in pain, though very enlightened to see me.
i try to introduce her to derek, for a second time, for it seems they’ve met before*
*after a gruesome loss, in ADLA run for championships,
i decide to take my anger out on my nightmare, sending insulting texts to her.
derek, my companion, also took part in such, to what she remember,
he’s just in the wrong position. “fuck you and your face asshole” replies the nightmare
“okay cool” derek and i both reply with a cool head, and gas in the tank,
we head back in direction to derek’s house; but not with a few stops along the way:
derek decides to stop by his friend’s house for a jamming session,
finds out that the friend is not at the house, so he moves three houses down,
only to be brought with a stern no. but this time with clues, they’ve left to juice it up,
a common establishment for ‘high top rebels and left wing librarian loving liberals.
‘ for me, this means sitting. to my nightmare, this means a series of aches and burns
along her backside. an embarrasing spectacle to behold if you ask me. but who asked me?
we head back to the friends house for what looks like, a quick jamming session,
but what soon turns into a sort of showboating, noisy, thrust which has been
scattered in the form of music all across the room. we leave there hours later
in hopes of finally getting to the house, but yet, another detour.
it seems derek has caught my hunger pains as well, we stop at the
nearest jack in the box and wait for derek to finish. he finished.
we arrive at the house. meeting up with dereks dad, who had just come
back from a business trip from ontario, canada. he looks pleased to be
home. i had brought with me, guitar hero, just in case the nightmare gets
bored, she can have something to hold onto until tonight. i pity. we play
guitar hero for an hour or so. derek gets the message. he exits the room.
here we are; arthur and his nightmare, all by our lonesome. i suggest a
movie to lighten up the mood. she suggests a scary movie. she wants to
watch ‘the happening’ because of mark walburg? is dirty and sexy. ah,
teens and their obsessive crushes. but i digress, no, i dont. i refuse to
watch the movie and instead suggest hannibal, a masterpiece within
masterpieces, exploring the crime of cannibalism. she says nay, because
of its graphic material. she mentions the refusal of sex if i put on the movie.
i reach for the happening, she mentions me being pussy whipped. hannibal
starts to play. it doesn’t take more than 10 minutes for her to get queesy and
want to leave the room. she does so. now ladies, if that wasnt the quickest
time into getting a girl in bed, i dont know what is. take notes fellas.
she tells me the lights need to be off. i grope but deal with it.
then it begins.
(start note taking)
the foreplay begins as it should, me kissing her intensely, causing both
of us to start breathing heavily. she grabs me, pulls me closer, she’s
finally enjoying herself. i pull my shirt off. she reaches down, i dont stop
her. i take off everything. she hates doing it, but she did it for me, and
respect it. i’m solid now. i reach for the protective sheath i snuck under
the pillow, feeling as though this will be another night to remember.
it sure as hell was.
she finishes up down there, and i start to think, ‘this is WAY too easy. if
she was really worth it, why am i not paying for it?’
here’s where the title gains interest. i stall. i stall my ASS of. i hold the
sheath at the tip, as i begin talking to her. she notices, and calls me
on it. ‘having difficulty there?’ shit, she’s caught up. i tell her yes. one
strike down. it gets worse. she has another. i’m doomed to unwanted
intercourse. there’s another way. i STALL my ass off some more. more
sly than anything, i say ‘this isn’t happening’ and sit up. she’s appalled.
victory.
so with derek’s parents less than 10 feet away. the argument begins.
‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
‘what do you mean?’
‘do you wanna do this or not?’
‘i do, i just need to think about
this’
‘i sucked… for nothing?’
‘no, there’s a..’
‘nevermind, you killed it. i’m going
to bed.’
…
‘no, dont go to bed’
‘i hate you arthur’.
mission. achieved.
i leave the room. and give derek a chat. i even give benny a ring.
i was ecstatic. not only was this the first time i stiffed someone,
i had my situation put into heavy terms by a good friend of mine.
——–
‘alright’, derek says. ’so she basically, lied to her mom, came to a
strangers home, didn’t get to eat until like 9, gave you a blowjob,
then ask her friend to pick her up?’ he’s gonna be in the navy. = )
it seems so.
I actively focus all my attention to the screen,
guitar hero, scored somehow today. She sends me a text, ‘what’s
the address here’ I don’t hesitate. She comes into the living room,
and reconfirms her info. She’s had troubles all day, but to no avail
she calls to her good friend josh*
*I know a josh, this is not the josh I know. The josh I know is 2,373
miles away. This josh has assumed the friend position. What I refer to,
is, his main role in her little puppet show. He is the
labrador retriever stowed away in the doghouse, who
only comes to feed. Time to be fed. She gives him the directions,
he has trouble following, as most boys do. But she said I was different,
because I could keep up with her. Am I still keeping up? Or have I
passed her in this race? All rhetorical. 4:00 in the morning, and josh
shows up in the driveway waiting for the non-sex he’ll receive on the way
back. he can have my sloppy red seconds.
derek turns to me, with his typical smirk, and says ‘she gonna have to jump
the fence, because im not opening the gate. My eyes widened, blue, green,
red, blue, orange. The score is settled. It was all convienient for everyone,
with the exception of deven. With sunburn and all, she had to sit up and sit
down an estimated 18 times, worsening her sunburn. With addition to that,
derek added, ‘she came all the way from riverside to perris just to blow you.’
How frank.
i was relieved. not only did my nightmare go away, but she promised
that we weren’t gonna see each other again. i tried to be a gentleman
and escort her to the front. she replies ‘i’ll be fine, bye’ she stumbles.
i smile.
she sends me text
“..i’ll most likely never see you again, fuck you : ) motherfucker”.
i reply
“will the baby still be named tyrone?’
she replies
‘fuck off”
i reply
‘no thanks, as a matter of fact i haven’t fucked off all day : )’
end.
p.s.
I receive a text from her around 6 in the morning.
Mentioning my member and the smell of men.
And in my mind, and in my sent folder, it goes as such;
’so i didn’t have the respect to wash my balls before you
blew me, big deal?’ i received no response.
.. ..
time zones frail upon comparison to the duration of our
awkward adventure. because from the time upon
readmittance, 5 days after the ‘out of nowhere text’,
i witnessed my nightmare’s 5 minutes of bliss, be destroyed
by the destruction of our 5 hour relationship.
.. ..
and she still had to hop the fence.
.. ..
.. ..
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