One of the things in my life I don’t understand, but something that has happened with a degree of regularity.. if I have really serious chemistry with a woman, and/or she shows very noticeable interest in me, then chances are she’s married!
This goes back awhile.. hmmm.. let’s start in 1997. I met the girlfriend (attractive, long-haired brunette, very nice, intelligent…) of a dude I was hanging out with, who he married fairly soon after I met her.. she and I clicked right away, and for a couple years after they were married, I hung out with them off and on, but it always felt awkward being around her. We seemed to have much more in common with each other than she and her husband did. And, she kept … looking at me a certain way. I eventually stopped spending time with her and her husband, and this was one of the reasons.
2001..I got to know a female co-worker – just talking in the break room mostly.. over the course of several months.. and she got to flirting a bit, I didn’t mind… and eventually she asked me to sleep with her. I didn’t, but we once did more than flirting. She turned out to be not at all enjoyable, and our work schedules changed, and we didn’t see each other anymore, and that was that.
2004 – a very large black woman – a co-worker at another job, kept flirting with me and wouldn’t stop.. even pinched my ass twice though I’d warned her off before, and had not encouraged her. (I didn’t mind her being black, but kinda minded her being married, and really minded her being obese) I had to file a sexual harassment claim against her. Then she backed off. I’ve run into her unintentionally here in town a few times since 2004, and each time she’s given me her phone nbr. without me asking for it.
2005.. well, with this next woman., she didn’t show definite interest, in the same way, but we had some serious chemistry! I met her at a Catholic class – she was one of the leaders. I was contemplating becoming Catholic at the time, and the class was mandatory for adults who wanted to enter the Church, or were thinking about it. She was quite good looking (long-haired, married brunette #2), and I certainly didn’t have my mind on God. It was difficult to be around her. It is quite rare for me to meet a woman I like right away like that.
2006 – I was in a behavioral health hospital for 6 days. I admitted myself due to extreme symptoms of problems I’ve talked about in previous blogs. One of the patients was an attractive 43 year-old blonde woman who I had just instant mutual attraction with.. so fast, I couldn’t believe it. One of my fantasies was to fool around with a woman inside a psychiatric ward if I was ever a patient in one.. and it happened! She was much better for me than the medications and talk therapy, even though we didn’t do much at all, being under almost constant surveillance, but it was enough! She, of course, was married. She turned out to be far more nuts than me, though, and also had plans to move far out of town just as soon as she got out of the hospital, so there was no future in this either.
Note.. for me it’s often either a lustful feeling or a romantic feeling if I meet a woman who really moves me. I’ve almost never felt really turned on sexually and at the same time had a strongly romantic feeling.
But, even if it’s just a sexual feeling that is pretty intense, I still have to like the woman somewhat.. in other words, I won’t want to hop in bed with a woman who just looks good.. it’s not just a physical thing.. I have to like talking with her somewhat too. One woman I went out with a few times 2 years ago turned me on a lot, but turned me off even more because of her rather poor manners and terribly foul language. That didn’t work for me.
Another interesting thing I’ve noticed.. it isn’t just looks that get me really turned on. An average looking woman can have a lot of sexual energy that I can somehow sense, and she can know how to touch a guy in such a way…even just a simple touch. I am guessing there are women out there who are the opposite – who are quite stunningly attractive, but without that amazing energy, and who are not worth a damn in bed. It ain’t all looks, ladies. I have to be at least a little attracted to a woman, but I’m at least a little attracted to probably 60 percent or more of the women out there who are under.. 50, lets say.. and a few that are over 50.
Ok.. moving on.. 2008 – a woman in my singing class would flirt me – initiate the flirting, but this was a more innocent kind of flirting.. (long-haired, married brunette #3), who looked a bit like the one from the Catholic church.
This woman from the singing class.. wow…
I was at a church near my house for a school concert – the auditorium on campus was being remodeled, so concerts were at various churches.. I was standing in the foyer (that’s the room inside the main church building that is sort of a waiting/socializing area before one enters the sanctuary. I didn’t know this woman was there. I felt a tap on my shoulder. She walked past me fast, then turned her head back toward me and gave me an amazing smile and I’ve never felt such a sublime feeling like that before.. indescribable, really.
She would seek me out during breaks in class sometimes. It got to be very frustrating for me. She was one of the reasons I dropped the singing class.
Earlier this year, I was in a completely platonic relationship with a married woman I was t not attracted to – which was why it was platonic. However, she got to be annoying and unreliable, so I stopped hanging out with her.. But for awhile though, it was strange.. almost like telepathy… we’d be thinking about some of the same things at the same time, or both be reading about obscure topics at the same time, and had some common interests.. very peculiar. I was secretly quite pissed off we had all these things in common, and for awhile, had such great rapport.. I wished all this had been with someone I really wanted to date and have sex with. .. So aggravating!
Earlier this year, I met yet another married woman I had pretty good chemistry with. She was the wife of a dude I hung out with for awhile, until he did some things that really pissed me off, including not treating his wife well. I think she would have been interested in me if I’d stuck around.
Also this year… via email, I’ve been corresponding for awhile with a woman who turns out to be married.. this is innocent enough, and I don’t mind at all. She’s likely to read this blog – hello to you and you know who you are.. She’s the coolest email pen pal I’ve had so far – going by her letters, I’d say she’s an amazing woman.
And last night.. I went to an art club meeting, and sat next to a woman I’d met earlier at a drum circle. I knew she was married. I also strangely had a hunch she might take a certain interest in me, even though she hadn’t before.. I’ve occasionally had sort of a sixth sense about women.. it’s rare, but it happens.. I had only been sitting down for a few minutes, hadn’t said or done anything remotely flirtatious, just was looking through a photo album of her art work, and while pointing out some photos, she leans over and rests her arm on mine even though she didn’t need to, and kept the contact for awhile. Then, when she left, she caressed my head in a way that realllly lit me up! Wow! A woman can put so much intent into a simple gesture. She then smiled and asked me if I got a lot of that (women rubbing my head – and I’m talking about my head.. the part of me attached to my shoulders) or not enough, and I smiled and said, “not enough.” This woman has been married for I don’t know how long, and I think she has a rather good relationship with her husband, and yet..
I’ve sort of figured out a few things.. Most of the married women have been older than me, so part of the appeal is that I’m a younger man. They also tend to be fairly confident, and perhaps find me being somewhat shy an attractive thing. Also, some of these women have artistic temperaments, as do I, and that is another reason they take an interest in me. Am I handsome? Some women think so. I’m certainly not conventionally handsome. I’m an unconventional person in general.
I’m tall. I saw a show on PBS about attraction and what men and women are biologically wired up to find attractive about each other – men go for women with shapely figures – breasts and hips, women go for guys with muscles, obviously, but, I was surprised and quite pleased to find out, women, according to this fairly scientific show, cannot help going for tall guys. One of the researchers even said, “A lesson to guys – don’t worry about going to the gym, be tall.” So, I’m guessing my height helps.
And, I look intelligent.. just about everybody who wears glasses is assumed to be intelligent, and this assumption is true concerning me, (although in some areas I am quite stupid) and in general, is often correct. Most people I’ve met who where glasses have turned out to be smart. Someone should do a study comparing poor eyesight with high IQ.
Married women.. hmm.. why them? I stay home a lot, and when I do go out and mingle at various places, such as job sites, or club meetings or classes, it’s usually married women who find me. Why is it so extremely rare that a groovy, fairly attractive single woman with lots of great energy takes an interest in me and I in her? I don’t understand..
So, what do I do, anything? Haven’t had any issues with the husbands of the two women I fooled around with (knock on wood – yes I am a somewhat superstitious person.. I feel rather uneasy writing and posting this particular entry – feel like I am jinxing myself) But in the future, things could change.. Involvement with a married woman can be very very risky.
But I really need some attention, goddamnit!!
Will I do anything with the married woman who was flirting with me last night? I kinda doubt it. I’ve seen a couple pictures of her and her husband – he looks kinda like a matcho dude – the type who probably owns several firearms and knows how to use them. Yeah, participating in infidelity is a good way for a guy to get shot.
But.. who knows.. I try not to think about doing anything with this woman, because then I get all turned on just thinking about it.. and I strongly want to avoid being turned on.. feeling that way, unless I’m actually with someone. Best not to think about her.. my heart starts beating faster, and.. yeah, not helpful.
Here’s something that makes this even more frustrating.. I have fairly flexible morals. I don’t feel much hesitation about being involved with a married woman. I feel intellectually that this is immoral, but it doesn’t bother me much. What mostly bothers me is the risk of retaliation by the husband. It is a moral thing to keep myself from being shot or otherwise injured or murdered.
As far as participating in an activity that could cause the demise of a marriage.. well, not really my problem..in almost all cases, I don’t seek these women out, they find me, they initiate contact.. and if they are doing that, then I am guessing they are in unhappy marriages.
Is it wrong to get involved with a married woman.. even if it is just one really enjoyable incident? Yeah, kinda I feel that it is. But then again, so what.. what isn’t “wrong?” Is it potentially dangerous? Certainly. Will I therefore avoid any and all sensual contact with a married woman? I don’t know.
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