We were having a post-blowjob chat of the “so as to not make this a wham-bam-thank-you-slam, we’re engaging in small talk but let’s face it, this is awkward” variety (or at least, that’s how I saw it. He’s the one that wanted to catch up, so maybe it felt more natural for him).
He said, “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but I hooked up with another girl last Friday.”
This is the line I’ve been both dreading and hoping for. I had been pretty sure I wouldn’t mind The Chemist hooking up with other girls, because I dont feel romantically for him at all, but I knew I was enough of a human and a girl that I wouldn’t have been suprised if I felt a little jealous. So although I’d always told (and encouraged) him to have sex with other girls and honestly didn’t think I would mind if he did, I also knew that I wasn’t one hundred percent sure. I hoped he would find another hookup because it would take his focus off of me. I also hoped he wouldn’t because I was afraid that when I found out I would care.
Well, he did hook up with another girl, and I didn’t care. I really, truly didn’t care, and that makes me happy. I dont know what I would’ve done if he’d told me and it turned out I did care. Not caring makes things so much simpler, so much easier. It’s such a relief. If you must know, yes, I did wonder what the other girl looked like, and if she’s hotter than me, and if she’s better at giving head than I am, but I wondered for all of five seconds, and I really dont mind never finding out.
Here’s the best part of this: remember how I was wondering what the hell kind of relationship this was and how I wasn’t sure whether The Chemist still wanted to be my boyfriend or not? I dont have to wonder anymore.
Unfortunately, there’s a not so happy part to this story. Right before The Chemist came over today Buttercup asked me (we’d been texting all day) whether I was home. I figured she wanted to hang out, so I told her “yes, but dont come over, because You Know Who is coming over.” At which she was suprised (whoops, did I never tell her this thing with The Chemist is still going on?). She texted me, “Don’t be mad at me for saying this, but you’re way too good to let a guy use you like this.”
After The Chemist left I texted Buttercup back explaining that he wasn’t using me, that he wasn’t as big a douchebag as I’d made him out to be, that he only never reciprocates because I dont let him, that he always practically begs me to let him (except this time, because he took the hint that it was never going to happen—Phew!), that I dont feel comfortable enough with him to let him finger me, and that I like giving head. She replied that if I wasn’t comfortable enough with him to let him finger me, I shouldn’t be blowing him, that sex should be mutual, and that if I wasn’t getting physical pleasure out of it, I shouldn’t be doing it.
I didn’t agree with that. I was slightly (very slightly) annoyed she was trying to push her standards on me, but I told myself that she was only doing it because she cares about me, and the feeling went away. I texted her back, telling her that I didn’t understand her logic. She said she’d find a better way to explain tomorrow (we’re studying together tomorro).
Now I’m left wondering if she could be right. I dont feel used, but even after what happened today I’m still far from Gung-Ho about the relationship The Chemist and I have. I feel better about it, but I still don’t feel good. It’s easier, but I’m still confused.
No comments:
Post a Comment