A little story

A picture of the opposite of what I've experienced in my relationships.

I don’t pretend to be a fucking expert on relationships. In fact, I’m probably the go-to person for how to get out of one with the least self respect and sense of self. On a side note, it just occurred to me that I might make a great addition to an imaginary show called “The Housewives of Thurston County” if anyone ever marries my ass and those shows still depict vacuous, moneygrabbing hoes. Of course that edition would have to involve a lot of dreadlocks and overweight lesbians, but who am I to judge? They’ll only make me prettier by comparison.

So I dated this guy once. The relationship lasted 4 years, with some extra “dating” in between the last 3 since we broke up. We met when I had a boyfriend, and also broke up when I had a boyfriend so I guess that’s why they call karma a bitch. I’m a big fan of having my cake and blowing it too, but Mike was having none of that. He was all like “Sarah, why are you acting like such a cranky, princess skank?” To which I replied, “YOU KNEW WHAT THIS WAS.”

Our affair has had a few very special markers in the last decade. My favorite was when we basically lived together but still paid rent on respective apartments to be “independent, right honey?”, and he would never hang out with me because he wanted to play intermural basketball all the time. One night, he told me he was going to hang out with some of the guys from his team, but because I was a 21 years old crazy asshole I heard “I’m gonna go bang some skanks that are way hotter than you and I don’t love you at all.” So I took it upon myself to chuck the deep fryer that he was so proud of onto his carpet and knock over some pictures. I’ll never know why people don’t find things like this attractive in a woman. There’s nothing like fishstick flavored carpet to get your libido riled up.

It’s only been in the last year or so that I realized just exactly what it was that attracted me to him. He’s a sorcerer. I shit you not, he has a very specific set of hand signals that sets young naive bitches into a frenzy whenever they come across his sexy ass. Here are examples:

After many years of trying to figure out why we were ever together, I realized that it HAD to do with the hypnotic tips of his fingers. Pointing this way and that when the occasion called for it, making an otherwise normal picture something worthy of a whiteboy-hand sign-hall of fame. This man, he was bewitching.

Much to my chagrin, he started dating someone last year. I say much to my chagrin, but really I mean that I was fucking pregnant and couldn’t care less as long as he was getting laid and not bothering me.

We started talking again after I shat the baby out of my lady parts, and he told me all about his current (or last? or almost ending?) relationship. I was all about discussing the nuances of girlfriends until I just recently saw pictures of her. WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL, MIKE. I’ve been assured by his hot-as-fuck BFF Katie that she’s pretty from the waist down, but really? She looks like she might well have been on the Death Star when it exploded, and they tried their level best to reconstruct her face…and it didn’t quite work out. Mark Hammill knows what the fuck I mean, you motorcycle crashing motherfucker.

He was cute, and then he looked like the inside of a hookers butthole.

Anyway, so then this was my conclusion:

I'm just sayin, they are identical. Welcome to the next 20 years.

This post was actually going to elaborate on who I THINK he should be dating, but there’s really no way I can make anything I say more funny than that picture. So I’m saying goodnight.