Last night, I started thinking about someone who I thought would never pop into my head again… at least not right now. I was laying in my bed desperately trying to fall asleep and I found myself tossing and turning… thinking about my “whatever” guy. All I wanted last night was to be with him, to have him hold me, cuddle with me, kiss me, and just lay next to me. I am, however, having trouble with these feelings because I know for a fact that I don’t want a relationship right now… in fact, I don’t even think I want to have sex right now. For as long as I can remember, I part of me always found sex to be somewhat sacred… not the whole “save yourself for marriage” because that ship has sailed… but sacred as in special; sex is the connection of two soul; sex is the act of pure passion and love. Yes, a part of me wants to have sex purely for pleasure sake at the moment, but does that make me happy? No, having sex at this point in my life just makes me want to have more with other people… no connection… no love… just simple animal desire. I digress… back to my “whatever” guy. I don’t know what to do about him… I texted him last week and asked if he wanted to hang out… he said sure but he would let me know when he was free. Have I gotten a text from him? Nope. I still cannot figure out why I have this need for him to hold me… I have slept with two guy since reconnecting with him… plus I have been talking to about three other guys as well, shouldn’t that take my mind off him? It should, but it doesn’t. I really hope he calls soon….
On a happier note, I am going to attempt to quit smoking on October 1st. First of all, I am going to put the money I would spend in a week on cigarettes in a savings account for my Italy fund… that alone would give me a little over $2,000. Also, to help with my efforts to quit, my mother has offered to give me $50, for every month I quit smoking, again towards my Italy savings. So between my mother’s contribution and the money I would spend on cigarettes, I would have well over $2,500 to go over seas with… and that does not include money I would save with the extra money of my paycheck every week. My trip to Italy is looking more and more promising everyday. I’ll write back probably within the next few days, until then.
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