Outted

I’ve been “working” for about a year now; however, a few months ago was outted by my then boyfriend to…. oh… pretty much the world…  Granted I was wrong for “deceiving” him but that’s kinda the nature of the business.  We protect ourselves from the scrutiny of those who do not agree with our choices by leading double lives.  Trust me, it isn’t easy for a variety of reasons.

For one, most normal, good people would rather not lie especially to the people we love.  I met Brian probably a week after I started working for an escort agency.  I was still so high on the lifestyle (making  5k my first week) that I didn’t realize what I was doing by involving him in “my life”.  I hadn’t even worked out a cover story other than the fact that I was a student.  Although students don’t often by Jimmy Choo just for the hell of it or take their boyfriends on all expenses paid vacations…   Anyway, I fell in love to say the least.  I fell stupid as well.  I quit the agency and started working independently.  That eventually turned into working only when I absolutely needed the money.  Like I said, it’s hard to lie to someone you love.  It’s even harder to sell sex…

The day I decided to quit for good was the same day he found out… Talk about FML…

I don’t really want to go into what happened because it’s still an open wound.  Just know that he found out and his discovery of my double life crushed us both.  I’ve never known pain- seen or felt- the way I came to know it that night.  After all was said and done, he took me home and I took myself to the hospital.  I was sure that if I went inside my apartment with all the reminders of how much love we had and how that was all gone, I’d do something stupid…

In the morning my father picked me up.  I didn’t speak to anyone for days.  I just sat alone and cried.

During this time, my family was incredibly supportive.  I learned the true meaning of unconditional love through this experience.  I also learned what it wasn’t… and it certainly isn’t exposing someone you claim to love to the world.

I thought I had to move.  I didn’t think I could bare seeing him, his friends, or  anyone else he may have told.  I actually did leave for awhile but eventually came to my senses and returned.  I’m a good person, my friends and my family live here.  This is as much my town as it is his. Anyway, I missed him so much I wanted to run into him- even if it were just for him to slap me.

Eventually he called… we talked about working things out.  He still loved me so much and I was willing to do whatever it took to make things work.  For weeks, we danced around this idea about staying together.  I actually believed that we could make it work…

That was until the last night when he showed me once and for all exactly what I was.

I arrived at his house around 3am, after getting off from a long shift at a thankless, under-paying job I had taken to prove that I was not addicted to fast money and sex with strangers.

“What are you doing here so late?  And unannounced?”

“I tried calling but you must have been asleep… I’m sorry.  I’ll leave…”

“No, no… come in.  Let’s go to sleep and talk tomorrow.”

We walked upstairs to his bedroom where I, exhausted from an entire night of bringing chicken wings to drunk men who didn’t tip, plopped down on the bed.  He lay down beside and extended his arm creating a perfect nook for me to curl up beside him.  We sat there and talked for what seemed like hours.  Talking led to touching, touching to kissing, and pretty soon we were all over each other.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

When we finished I continued to lay there in post coital bliss.  It was official now, we were back in love.  We were us again.

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave…”

“Excuse me?”

“You can’t stay here.  You’re a prostitute…”

And that’s pretty much how it went.  He wasn’t satisfied until we both knew how he would always think of me.

The next day I got an email from him telling me that he thought it best that we part ways (you think?)… that I wasn’t a bad person… and that he loved me and wished me well.

“Continue to lead the positive lifestyle that you are leading.  I want the best for you.  All you need is all you have.”

I’m not sure what’s worst?  The fact that he would offend love by thinking that his actions could co-exist with love or the fact that, “all you need is all you have” touched me.  It makes it so difficult to hate someone who inspires you.

I could called him and begged and gotten maybe a few more days to love him.  Intsead I just said good bye.  It was the hardest good bye.