Who am I? As some of you may have noticed… I deleted my last post. For some reason I did not like what I wrote (not that I am trying to hide anything): one, it was too short, two, I did not put any thought into it, and three I felt like I was simply telling a story to my friend. I treat this blog as an online journal at times, in which I may get non-judgemental feedback and advice. So let’s try this again.
I am not doing so well at the moment… it’s like the last week has finally caught up with me. Again as some of you may already know by reading my deleted post, I had a blind date on Friday and it was nice. I got to see Paul (we used to work together at Target and have talked a lot over the past few months) who I have not seen in over a year. Also, I met a really nice guy and had fun hanging out with everyone… yes I ended up sleeping with my date, but it just kind of happened. The best part of this whole situation is I got a call from my date’s ex-girlfriend asking if I had sex with him. I found it kind of funny at first because I never thought that would never happen to me… so I just laughed it off and forgot about it.
I don’t know why I am feeling like this, but I am. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I briefly discussed this with my therapist; I explained that I am not being myself. In the past, I would never do the things I have been doing, but then I remembered… this past week has been an almost exact repeat of senior year. Something traumatic occurred in my life and I resorted to drinking, drugs, and “sex” (sex at the time simply being making out with a lot of guys). Now it seems like I am handling my break up with Dylan like the death of my sister’s fiance, Mike. Only this time it is more extreme with sex and not so much the substance use. I seem to remember feeling like this often during high school. But I got through it, right? I will get through this eventually, I just need to find myself, or find my niche, as my friend put it. “Reality is yours to change,” she explained to me one night, and she got me thinking… could I change my reality? Am I actually in control of my life? I never thought so… until now. I can choose what to and what not to do.. and I don’t have to worry about what other people think of me. Up until now, I have basically lived my life according to what I thought other people wanted, and where has that gotten me? Right here. I have nothing else to lose at the moment by living life the way I want it. Hopefully it will work out… you always have to have hope and try to think positive. I’ll let you know how that works out. Until then.
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