Epiphany

Okay, so the last few days have been… interesting and surreal to me… but I seemed to have somewhat of a revelation today. How I came to this epiphany, you ask? Well, I will tell you. Sunday night, a night that at this moment… I almost wish did not happen, but it helped me realize something. I will not go into great detail about that night… because I do not wish for people to know about for the sake of my life; all I will say I hooked up with someone who I should not have. Afterwards, I could not realize how I was able to do that, for many reasons… anyway. So in the morning, while talking to my therapist… I figured out what I needed, something I could not comprehend when I wrote last. When I first hooked up with my “whatever” guy, I thought on the ride home… that I just want to be a “whore” for a while… just do whatever I want, get what I want, leave, and not feel anything about it… but I was trying to be something I’m not. After hooking up with the “forbidden” guy, I realized I don’t want that… I don’t want to hookup with a bunch of different guys… what I wanted was to cuddle with someone, be held, cared for… that is what I wanted… that is what I need. I got that tonight… I saw my “whatever” guy tonight, went over his house and hung out, but things were different. We did not lay next to each other awkwardly waiting for the other to make a move… as soon as we laid down he put out his arm as an invitation to cuddle with him, so i rolled ot my side and snuggled close to him. I have not felt that good in a while, I was truly happy. We watched “Celebrity Death Match” for a while, then of course ended hooking up… as one point we were going to go all the way, but we did not have protection… so we decided it would be for the best to wait; we ended up just kissing in between cuddling and tickling each other… and it was really nice. I was almost glad we didn’t have sex, it just made our time together so much better. So, I don’t want to just hookup with a bunch of random guys… I want to feel comfortable, safe, cared for, even loved… and I think I will get that with my “whatever” guy. Yes, I don’t think a relationship will result from this, but I have a gut feeling that he would never really hurt me… and that’s all I want, no… what I need, at this point… not to get hurt. Well, to wrap up, I am most likely going to my old college, formally known as Monmouth University, to hang out with some old friends; hopefully that goes well. I’ll write again when something worth sharing happens. Until then.